Hopes for the Heat in a Hopeless Existence


Basketball is back, baby! Those Miami Heat boys are back to doing what they do best: sports. Why should you care? You shouldn’t! There’s important shit to worry about. The nation is on the brink of nuclear war, bees are dying at an alarming rate globally, the sink is full of dirty dishes. Why are you reading about a mediocre basketball team competing for a meaningless trophy they’ll never win? Be productive. Do some cleaning. Go to the gym. Read a damn book, you lazy pile of filth.

That said, if you want to waste your short time on this earth watching dunks through a TV screen and want to know what to look for this season, I guess I got you covered. Here’s a few things I’ll be hoping to see from the 2017-2018 Miami Heat as I wait for the inevitable heat death of the universe.

Justise Winslow Getting Back on Track:

Justise, you’d still be in college if you had never declared for the NBA draft. Last year wasn’t easy for you. Health issues forced you to take a gap year to focus on healing. It happens. But now you have to get back to class and start working again. You’re not an underclassman anymore, graduation is around the corner and it’s time to get your shit together and figure out what your future is gonna look like.

There’s still time for you, Justise. You’ve shown a lot of promise and you’re finding yourself. Injuries haven’t done you any favors but life is suffering and we must overcome. I don’t expect lights out shooting or an All-Star appearance this year. I’d love to see some improvement finishing at the rim, but you’re not a scorer and you don’t need to be. Make your name on stellar playmaking, versatile lockdown defense, and great hair. Now is the time to start putting the pieces of your game together. You got this, bud. I believe in you.

Dion Waiters Being Less Dumb:

Dion, pal. I’m a big fan. When you do good basketball it’s fun to watch, and you’ve got moxie for days. You got a big payday and I’m happy for you. I really am.

However, I have some concerns. Sometimes you can be a real silly goose and the silliness makes you do bad basketball. I’d prefer good basketball, ideally. I know you CAN do good basketball. I seen it. You did some great basketball last season, you have all the good basketball talent, and you were drafted fourth overall in 2011 because people knew you had the potential to do good basketball. But your decision making can vary from somewhat questionable to downright silly. Work on your decision making. Be less silly. Take shots that go in the basket. Don’t take shots that don’t go in the basket. This is basic shit, Dion. Do better.

Josh Richardson Showing Out and Earning Clout:

Joshy. J-Rich. Jorty. Chris Josh. Rook 2. I’m all in on you this season. After an impressive rookie year you got held back by injuries and only got to show us flashes of what you could be. But you’re healthy now and have the opportunity to secure a starting role. You’re a long athletic dead-eye shooter with ice in your veins and braids in your hair. I’m looking for a leap from you this year. Bam Adebayo is too young and inexperienced.

Justise Winslow is on a different path. You have the chance to become the electric young star this team needs. It’s all up to you. If you’re hitting threes, Coach Spo will hand you the keys. If you make it rain, you can take the reigns. If you find success from beyond the arc, Miami’s future may seem less dark. If you improve on offense and defense the same, you may be playing in the All-Star Game. If no one can stop you from getting a bucket, the rest of the league might give up and say… never mind.

There are other players on the team. I don’t want to talk about them. Watch the games if you’re so worried about those other guys.

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